The value of being yourself

Rosa Parks’s mugshot, 1955. Universal History Archive/UIG via Getty

I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear. ~ Rosa Parks

There are times in life that you feel like it’s just not working for you anymore. You feel frustrated, annoyed, pissed off and often find yourself running around in circles.

 

How do you get things back on track?

 

The biggest issue I find is that my clients just don’t know what the hell they value in life. Some think they do, but every time we sit down and comb through their values they are always shocked.

 

What are values?

 

There the things you value the most, like freedom, adventure, love, stability, family, money, abundance, clarity, knowledge, education, honesty, connection etc. There are hundreds of these suckers and they help us understand what drives and motivates us.

 

Below is a list of over 400 values! Print them off and see if you can get to your top 10 values!

Ability

Abundance

Acceptance

Accomplishment

Achievement

Acknowledgement

Adaptability

Adequacy

Adventure

Affection

Affluence

Alertness

Aliveness

Ambition

Amusement

Anticipation

Appreciation

Approachability

Artfulness

Assertiveness

Assurance

Attentiveness

Attractiveness

Availability

Awareness

Awe

Balance

Beauty

Being-ness

Belongingness

Blissfulness

Boldness

Bravery

Brilliance

Calmness

Camaraderie

Capability

Care

Carefulness

Certainty

Challenge

Charity

Charm

Chastity

Cheerfulness

Clarity

Class

Cleanliness

Cleverness

Closeness

Comfort

Commitment

Compassion

Competence

Complacency

Completion

Composure Concentration

Confidence

Conformity

Congruency Connection

Consciousness

Consistency

Contentment

Continuity

Contribution

Control

Conviction

Coolness

Cooperation

Correctness

Courage

Courtesy

Craftiness

Creativity

Credibility

Cunning

Curiosity

Daring

Decisiveness

Deepness

Deference

Delicacy

Delight

Dependability

Depth

Desire

Determination

Devotion

 

Devoutness

Dexterity

Dignity

Diligence

Diplomacy

Direction

Directness

Discernment

Discretion

Discipline

Discovery

Diversity

Dreaming

Drive

Duty

Eagerness

Economy

Ecstasy

Education

Effectiveness

Efficiency

Endurance

Energy

Enjoyment

Enlightenment

Entertainment

Enthusiasm

Exactness

Excellence

Excitement

Exhilaration

Expectancy

Expediency

Experience

Expertise

Exploration

Expressiveness

Extravagance

Extroversion

Exuberance

Evolution

Facilitating

Fairness

Faith

Fame

Fascination

Fashion

Fearlessness

Femininity

Fidelity

Fineness

Finesse

Firmness

Fitness

Flexibility

Flow

Fluency

Fluidity

Focus

Fortitude

Frankness

Freedom

Friendliness

Frugality

Fun

Gallantry

Generosity

Gentility

Genuineness

Giving

Grace

Gratefulness

Gratitude

Growth

Guidance

Happiness

Harmony

Health

Heart

Helpfulness

Heroism

Holiness

Honesty

Honour

Hopefulness

Hospitality

Humility

Humour

Hygiene

Imagination

Impact

Impartiality

Impeccability

Independence

Industry

Ingenuity

Inquisitiveness

Insightfulness

Inspiration

Instinctiveness

Integrity

Intelligence

Intensity

Intimacy

 

Introversion

Intuition

Intuitiveness

Inventiveness

Joy

Justice

Keenness

Kindness

Knowledgeableness

Lavishness

Leadership

Learning

Liberation

Liberty

Liveliness

Logic

Longevity

Love

Loyalty

Majesty

Mastery

Maturity

Meekness

Mellowness

Meticulousness

Mindfulness

Moderation

Modesty

Motivation

Mysteriousness

Neatness

Nerve

Obedience

Open-mindedness

Openness

Optimism

Opulence

Order

Organization

Originality

Outlandishness

Outrageousness

Passion

Peacefulness

Perceptiveness

Perfection

Perseverance

Persistence

Persuasiveness

Philanthropy

Playfulness

Pleasantness

Pleasure

Plentiful-ness

Poise

Polish

Popularity

Potency

Practicality

Pragmatism

Precision

Preparedness

Presence

Privacy

Proactive

Proficiency

Professionalism

Prosperity

Prudence

Punctuality

Purity

Qualification

Quietness

Quickness

Realism

Readiness

Reason

Recognition

Recreation

Refinement

Reflection

Relaxation

Reliability

Resilience

Resolution

Resolve

Resourcefulness

Respect

Restfulness

Restraint

Reverence – respect for others

Richness

Rigor

Sacredness

Sacrifice

Saintliness

Satisfaction

Security

Self-control

Selflessness

Self-realization

Self-reliance

Sensitivity

Sensuality

 

Serenity

Service

Sexuality

Sharing

Shrewdness

Significance

Silence

Silliness

Simplicity

Sincerity

Skilfulness

Smartness

Sophistication

Solidarity

Solidity

Solitude

Soundness

Speed

Spirit

Spirituality

Spontaneity

Stability

Stillness

Strength

Structure

Substantiality

Success

Sufficiency

Support

Supremacy

Surprise

Superbness

Sympathy

Synergy

Tactfulness

Teamwork

Thankfulness

Thoroughness

Thoughtfulness

Thrift

Tidiness

Timeliness

Traditionalism

Tranquillity

Transcendence

Trust

Trustworthiness

Truth

Understanding Uniqueness

Unity

Usefulness

Utility

Valour

Variety

Victory

Vigour

Virtue

Vision

Vitality

Warmth

Watchfulness

Wealth

Wholesomeness

Wilfulness

Willingness

Winning

Wisdom

Wittiness

Wonder

Worthiness

Zest

 

For my clients, the first step in breaking ‘the good girl rules’ is making your own damn rules. And here’s how you’re going to do that!

Step 1) Decide what your values are.

List 5 values and prioritise them from highest to lowest.

 

Values

Rank 1 – 10

1.

 

 

2.

 

 

3.

 

 

4.

 

 

5.

 

 

Step 2) Create rules for your lives that use these values as a standard.

If you value freedom and travel, then what rules are you going to create to take responsibility that freedom and travel become part of your life? Ask yourself “how do I know when I have freedom in my life?”. The answers will become your rules.

These rules are based on your own values, not on society’s or anybody else terms and conditions. Because of this, these rules will ensure that you stay connected to the values in life that bring you the most peace and happiness and feed your soul at the highest level.

Keep #breakingthegoodgirlrules!

The Truth About Intuition

We are all intuitive but only a special few of us are actually psychic right? WRONG! Here’s the beautiful truth about intuition….

  I always knew I was intuitive. Strange things would happen, I would get strong ‘gut instincts’ or ‘hunches’ that turned out right, but I also thought intuition was something I had no control of. I also thought Mediums and Psychics were born that way and either you were one or you weren’t. Boy was I wrong! The more I started to learn about intuition the more I realised that intuition, psychic and mediumship abilities were all the same thing… it just depended on how far down the rabbit hole you go to grow, nurture or tune into your intuition. Intuition is like a muscle.  Just like athletes, some of us are naturally born with more athletic figures but it doesn’t mean the rest of us shouldn’t bother training or exercising, right?! There are plenty of amazing athletes who weren’t considered ‘born athletes’ when they started. I decided to set myself the challenge of developing my intuition over the last 3 years and to see where it would take me. I joined spiritual classes, read masses of books, meditated with Youtube (not kidding), bought tarot cards and crystals (as we all do when we believe the power is outside of ourselves) and stalked Ricci-Jane Adams. The big turning point was when I put it out there to the Universe; ‘How can I grow my intuition beyond my wildest dreams? And how can I teach my own clients to open up their heartspace?”. Within weeks I won a retreat with Ricci-Jane Adams and all my questions since have been answered after a year-long study, called “Third Level”. What is intuition? Intuition is the guidance and deeper soul wisdom of our higher selves. We all have it. It doesn’t exist outside of ourselves but inside of each and every one of us. It often can come as a quiet whisper which our louder Ego dismisses. I used to think ‘only magical people can do that shit’. I’ve since been my own guinea pig and have proven myself wrong. I now spend time daily tuning into my intuition for guidance and you can too. I also use my intuition to guide my client sessions and in helping them move past their own blocks. Why should we bother to grow it? Are you kidding me? I honestly believe that if you truly want to #BreakTheGoodGirlRules then embracing your intuition should be a top priority. #TheGoodGirl looks outside herself for guidance from others. She seeks their advice as if others know whats best for her, she looks for validation from others and she follows the crowd. Embracing our intuition means we look WITHIN ourselves first. It’s like the highest form of embracing your own unique inner beauty and individualism. There’s nothing wrong with having a sounding board, but its crucial that we always follow our heart and intuition first and foremost, even if it means going against the crowd. If it doesn’t feel right for you, don’t do it. Our intuition is our own unique GPS system of the soul. Why wouldn’t you want to use that to navigate life’s challenges? Even the most brilliant minds of our times and billionaires embraced their intuition, look at Albert Einstien, Warren Buffet, Steve Jobs…. All these men were geniuses and yet all of them contributed a great deal of their success for trusting themselves and their intuition first and foremost. These men didn’t become famous for following the crowds, but for pushing boundaries, for going against the grain, for working outside the parameters of ‘normal’ and for rocking the boat in areas of science, physics, information technology, and finance. They broke old paradigms and created new experiences for the entire world. If I grow it, will I start seeing dead people?? Probably not. I know of gifted peeps who do but most of the intuitive women I know don’t walk around talking to dead people. Personally, I have spoken with ‘dead people’ and it’s a profound and beautiful experience. I’ve also learnt to ‘channel’ and to tune into past lives. But I haven’t bumped into any ‘dead people’ in my hallway or the supermarket yet. Just as you can choose to tune into different frequencies, you can choose to tune out. It’s not just about ‘seeing’ dead people…… there are 4 main areas of intuitive skills. It’s also important to note that there are different areas of intuitive skills. Each one of us may have a more dominant one, or may have 2 or 3 that are stronger. This doesn’t mean we can’t strengthen our less dominant ones though.
  • Clairaudience – clear hearing
  • Claircognisance – clear knowing
  • Clairvoyance – clear sight
  • Clairsentience – clear feeling
For me, I use all four. Sometimes I will receive words and I will hear them like voices in my head (Clairaudience), while other times I will see images or movies playing out in my mind’s eye (clairvoyance). When I work with clients I can tune into my body and literally feel nauseous if that client is dealing with stomach issues, or tightness in my chest if a chest is struggling with anxiety (clairsentience) and other times information just drops in like a sudden ‘knowing’ (claircognisance). I’ll wake up and while preparing for a client will instantly just ‘know’ what topic we should focus on, only to connect with that client and for them to ask for that specific assistance at the beginning of a session. While I’ve been communicating with different types of energy bodies / vibrational beings etc for quite a while now, I still haven’t ‘seen’ any dead people. A few years ago when I experienced my first ‘dead person’ they came to me as an energetic pull. I was in a deep meditation and it ‘felt’ like someone was standing next to me. My head kept turning towards ‘them’, and I kept pulling my head away, not understanding what the hell was going on. It turned out to be one of the most profound and moving experiences of my life, as I spoke to an ex’s father who had committed suicide years before. He came seeking forgiveness, not just from his children but also from himself. I had never felt such remorse for one’s own actions or the mess they had left behind. And I also have never felt such freedom and joy once his words were passed onto his family. I never physically saw this man. But I certainly ‘felt’ him around and could converse with him. He gave me the information I could never have known and I was somehow able to immediately know who this man was without ever having seen or met him in real life. Do I consider myself a Medium or Psychic? Nope. I see myself as an ‘intuitive guide’ or ‘spiritual guide’. I believe everything we do is spiritual, whether we know it or not. My biggest passion is to teach women to love and embrace their truths, and their own unique inner beauty, to realise that they are powerful creators in this life, and to live life on their own terms. I do this by teaching women to #BreakTheGoodGirlRules, and part of that is about trusting themselves and embracing their own inner compass….. their intuition. Do you see yourself as intuitive? If not, why? Do you use your intuition on a daily basis? If you would love more inspiration or guidance why not check out my #truthbombs, delivered straight to your email weekly.

The Truth About Changing Our Reality

There’s so much talk about changing our reality.

  Are we mere humans really that powerful that we can go back in time and change past events that made us who we are today? Or are we missing something here? Easter has well and truly passed. Yep, it’s time to put the chocolate eggs down and look deeper within the meaning of life. You see, Easter was never about chocolate eggs and a chocolate pooping bunny, but a celebration of Ostara, (or Eostre or Eastre), the Germanic Goddess of spring and dawn. Other similar Goddesses are Hecate, Freyja and Holda –  all of which share the symbols of the hare and the moon. The moon is a constant reminder of the cycles of life as it renews itself monthly.  It’s not surprising that the Christian tradition of Easter is based on the phases of the moon, or that they simulate the Christian notion of Jesus’ rebirth/rising with the pagan celebration of Ostara. Easter, regardless of our belief systems, is the perfect time to rebirth our selves, create new goals and gain clarity on the direction we consciously choose to take. The issue is anytime we desire change in our lives, we are going to have to face our Ego which often uses fear to keep us small and safe. Our Ego loves to keep things the same by clinging to past stories and old limiting beliefs, but our spiritual-self ends up feeling trapped, restricted, confused and even betrayed.  

So how do we start to drop our own bullshit stories and expand in abundance, love and success?

  Let’s go back to basics;  

1. An event occurs.

An event occurs often in childhood or early adulthood that send a clear message to our conscious mind. It’s backed up with an emotional reaction (sadness, betrayal, pain, anger, guilt, shame etc) that creates a highly emotional memory. These emotions all have a basis in fear.  

2. That emotional reaction creates a perspective.

Our reactive response to that event (different to a fully aware and conscious choice) sets off a perspective of that experience. We deem it as a good or a bad experience. We create a story of victimhood around that experience. We back it up with as much proof as possible. We rehearse that emotional reaction by repeating the memory of the experience again and again in our heads until we have a base perspective or bullshit story. Ouch.You see, every experience we have, we view in light of past experiences. If we have created a habit of being a victim, we’ll automatically apply that victimhood response to future experiences.  

3. We understand our perspective to be our actual ‘reality’.

The truth is our perception of any single event is hardly ever the reality. Our perception is a result of our conscious mind filtering 200 million bits of information down to 134 bits. That’s a lot of distorting, deleting and generalising of information in order to make an event ‘fit’ our perspective. If you were to ask 5 people to describe the same single event, you’ll notice the differences in the stories given. It’s all based on our perspectives. Not on any true reality. Your reality is based on your perspective of how you felt about an experience/event.  

4. You can change your reality.

You can change your reality at any given moment, by changing your perspective. For years I insisted I’d had a terrible childhood. This was my perceived reality. It was also bullshit! Yes, there were terrible things that happened in my childhood, but there were many many amazing, hilarious, adventurous, fun and love filled moments too! In fact, when I became honest with myself and dropped my bullshit story, I realised that the bad times were very very few and far between. There were far more wonderful moments than negative moments. I had just chosen a perspective to base my reality on, by distorting my perspective, deleting all the great moments and generalising chucks of my childhood.  

5. The power of our heart space.

So how do we change our perspective in order to change our reality? By utilising your heart space. The Heart Math Institute is leading the world in the science behind our heart space and how powerful it is. We can use our heart space to switch from anger, resentment, shame etc to compassion, love and gratitude. These emotions are scientifically proven to be strong enough to rewire the neural pathways in our brains in order to break down old patterns of thought and hence behaviour. By using the heart space we can enter the world of quantum physics because the heart space is that part of us that is connected to everyone and everything through its electromagnetic field. Based on Albert Einstein’s own theories of time and space, we can tap back into those moments of time, and change the emotional reactivity around specific events. As emotions are chemical reactions, we can literally change the chemistry in our brains that affect the synaptic network that dictates our emotional and behavioural reactions in the future. So the short answer to the question “Are we mere humans really that powerful that we can go back in time and change past events that made us who we are today??”, is simply – yes. If you would love to experience this for yourself and understand more about the process, you can book an Intuitive Evaluation here.  

The Importance of Doing Nothing

The Importance of Doing nothing. And being. Breaking the good girl rules.
How can doing nothing be important? It’s so important to embrace our ‘winter’ and to lean into the ‘nothingness’ because this is where we learn how to love ourselves, replenish and rejuvenate ourselves as part of the natural rhythms and cycles of being a woman. Women do not work like men, and yet society insists that we must be in a masculine constant state of ‘do-do-do”, of keeping busy, of celebrating stress as a sign of success.  

Our body works in cycles. Don’t believe me? Look at your period.

  If we divide our ‘energy’ into seasons, we all go through our summers where we are full of energy, where we can go-go-go, where we can be a bee hive of activity full of passion and purpose, and where we give a lot of ourselves to other people. We then move into Autumn, where we start to slow down. We notice a drop in our energy levels, we start to feel tired, irritable and have less patience. What most women do is ignore this call, and they keep pushing onwards. What we need to do is recognise this as a sign that (cue John Snow), ‘Winter is coming’. Our ‘winter’ is a time for peace, for stillness, for reflection, silence, solitude and even withdrawing a little bit more from social activities. You may feel like you don’t want to go out to that party, or you can’t be bothered to do the normal things, you feel ‘flat’, or going to work feels like more of a struggle then usual.  Rather than dismiss our ‘winter’ as a waste of time, we need to recognise that ‘winter’ is a time for self-love.  

Winter is not something to fear. It is not laziness.

  Its your body signalling to your that you need to recoup and relax. How? When we ignore, as women, the call to step into ‘winter’ we burn out, we become exhausted, we grow in anxiety and we become sick as our immune systems lowers from the stress. Winter is such an important, if not THE most important part, of a natural  cycle since it builds up our strength, it nurtures us, it fulfils us, and it replenishes us to literally ‘get the spring back in your step’! Yes, ‘winter’ allows us to build back up our resources that leads usback into Spring where our momentum and passion naturally rises without effort or exhaustion, but with ease and grace. And consequently we naturally get catapulted back into our ‘summer’. But society tells us to fear ‘winter’. That doing nothing is lazy, makes us worthless or that if we aren’t giving to others or contributing to society then we are selfish. That if we are doing ‘nothing’, we are nothing. This is where we need to #BreakTheGoodGirlRules!  

How to spend your metaphorical ‘winter’ doing nothing:

 
  • Meditate more
  • Spend glorious afternoons or evenings withdrawing and reading
  • Soak in baths with essential oils and Epson salts
  • Walk in nature
  • Netflix and chocolate
  • Massages
  • Quiet nights in doing mud masks with or without girlfriends
  • Chilling out at the beach
Anything that has you giving back to you, and giving you that sense of peace, relaxation and self-love. To the outside world it might look like we are doing nothing but nothing could be further from the truth.   Once we start to see winter as a place of honouring ourselves, we move gracefully through this part of the cycles and start to gain momentum naturally. We become inspired to act, to give, to create. As our momentum builds we burst back through into summer even ore fiercely and passionate then before. Give yourself permission to stop. Give yourself permission to BE. Give yourself permission to breathe, to say ‘no’, to cancel plans, to reschedule without guilt, to relax, to chill out, to enjoy your own company and learn what it truly means to be at peace with who you are and the beauty within. Give yourself permission to #BreakTheGoodGirlRules. If you would love to know more about #BreakingTheGoodGirlRules, follow me on facebook. Gold stars if you comment below and give some love back xxx

Challenging Reality

How to break the good girl rules by challenging our perception of reality

What you Focus on is Your Reality

What you focus on in life is where you direct your energy and your action, and how you create your perception of events (your reality) and hence the world.

Everyone can perceive the same moment of reality differently, because our interpretation of that moment depends upon our own past understandings and experiences, and those vary dramatically person to person.

Our perception of any single event is hardly ever the reality. Our perception is a result of our conscious mind filtering 200 million bits of information down to 134 bits. That’s a lot of information that our brain chooses to ignore….

 

How to break the good girl rules by challenging our perception of reality

How We Distort Reality to Create Our Own Perception of Reality

 

We filter this information through 3 basic methods:

1) Deleting information that doesn’t fit our story or that we choose to ignore.

2) Distorting information to make it fit our story.

3) Generalising information in order to make sense of an event e.g. stereotyping

 

This is the way we choose to create and confirm the story of our life.

Do you ever hear yourself say?

  • “That’s so typical of men!”
  • “This always happens to me”
  • “It ok I didn’t expect it to work out”
  • “I can never seem to…….”
  • “That’s not how I remember it!”

Once we start automatically “protecting” our story it reinforces our patterns of thought which determines our emotions and guides our behaviour.

This then shapes how we react to all the events in our life.

 

How You Can Consciously Create the Story You Want

 

By being more conscious of what we chose to delete, distort and generalise, we can be more conscious of how we can change and edit our story.

By choosing how to respond we decide to be at cause for our life and can take control of our story. By staying in a state where we automatically respond we chose to be reactive and give our power and responsibility away to others.

Over the next week be aware of how you start to automatically respond to events and to people.

What ‘automatic thoughts’ do you have?

Is it easy for you to change these thoughts and choose how to respond instead of reacting?

This week, identify one thing you can do in relation to this awareness and take action, and share your thoguhts in Breaking The Good Girl Rules facebook group!

If you need support figuring out what actions you can take, you can connect with me here.

Surviving Divorce with Dignity

man-couple-people-woman

How does one survive divorce with dignity?

 

Six years ago I had to tell the man I married I wanted out. With our two daughters. It hadn’t been a violent marriage and no one had cheated on anyone. I was just exhausted of giving and not getting anything back. I was lonelier in those last 2yrs of marriage, even dragged him through marriage counselling, and there just wasn’t anything left to fight for.

Upon separation and divorce life met me with an iron fist that walloped me from every angle. Not only was the ex-punishing me with anger and resentment, his entire family lashed out, friendships wobbled as no one knew who’s side to take (even though we never involved our friends), our daughters were confused hearing his family tear their mother apart, things were pretty intense as we sorted through our financial and legal agreements, court hearing were heart breaking (especially when you have to listen to everyone else’s horror stories and other women breaking down in court at their divorce hearings)… and then there was all the other emotional stuff as well. Your own guilt, the shame, the loss, the betrayal, your own anger, the fears…..

No one prepared me for the emotional onslaught. I did seek counselling a good year after divorcing, possibly out of desperation of my life reeling out of control and having no support network to catch me. I do often wonder how different and less traumatic life would have been if I’d sought that healing process a lot sooner! God knows there would have been way less espresso martinis involved!

Divorce vs Death

 

So why is it that after a death, friends, and family surge around you with flowers, letters, cards, hot meals and messages of love and comfort and yet the word divorce leaves your life emptier then a ghost town? Don’t both events end with the loss of dreams, hopes and desires? Doesn’t divorce also entail an entanglement of grief, anger, devastation, suffering and furthermore a loss of self? Don’t both events bring you to your knees and make you question your entire being and self-worth?

I’ve lost my father at 22yrs, a baby at 27yrs, my beloved step mother at 36yrs and the first boy I ever truly loved died 4 years ago (we both married other people but always kept in touch). I watched them all suffer. I grieved them as they passed. I was angry at being abandoned. I made my peace with death. I know death. I accept the process and the support and love that came from those experiences. I know death will come again, but I also know the trauma is short compared to divorce.

Divorce? Hell no, never again. There are divorced people who have sworn NEVER to marry again or date again after divorce. The trauma of divorce and the fall out and ramifications can last years or decades, constantly compounded by altercations and accelerations. It’s a roller coaster ride that can seriously mess not only with your heart but your head. My divorce wasn’t anywhere as messy as most peoples’ I know and yet I still say this.

So how do we survive divorce with dignity?

 

So how do we survive divorce? How do we get through the mind games, the attacks on our self-worth, the pure hate, the tug of war over finance and children that sometimes feels like it controls our entire world? Better still how do we come out unscathed and with our sense of self intact and thriving?

 

Return to your sisterhood:

Divorce will show pretty quickly who your true friends are. They won’t be the ones trying to tear your partner down either! Don’t go there and don’t sink to those levels. Your friends are the ones who keep you level headed, who help you keep your integrity intact and who offer you the support, shoulders, smiles, cocktails (and call you an Uber) and take you to see The Other Woman, Bad Moms, or How To Be Single. Ask for help form your friends, tell them you’re not coping or tell them what you’d like from them at the moment.

 

Feeling a little dis-connected form your friends? Then contact your local community groups or Meetups. Make new friends, join Fb support groups, and get a feel for any likeminded women out there and expand your social circle.

 

Self Compassion…

For the Wild times: Ok so after I separated I hit some wild times! Previously I would only go out twice a year and that was to my staff parties! I’d felt caged and trapped. The ex husband hated going out, so we never went out. And he also hated me going out without him. Coming home to his brooding moods and interrogations just wasn’t worth it. So, don’t be surprised if you find yourself acting like you’re 18yrs and carefree again on your kid-free time! Don’t beat yourself up. It’s ok to have fun and to let loose, just be open with your friends so they can keep any outrageous behaviour in check!

For the Hard times: Yes, there are days you will collapse on the floor in a heap, in total despair of how your life got here, who the hell you are meant to be and what the hell you are meant to be doing, or going to do! You’ll cry, scream, swear and probably refuse to ‘adult’ at times. Some days its rainbows and sunshine and other days its Netflix and Potato Gems (no judgement here!). Let it all out. Know that this is part of the process and you WILL pass through these times. Give yourself a good dose of compassion and get some good self-care rituals in place. Preferably more the aromatherapy massage type self-care then the Ben & Jerry’s self-care…. (Hindsight is a beautiful thing).

For the good times: Why would you need compassion for yourself during the good times? Well if you, like me, are the one that left there’s a heap of guilt that can creep in. You want to date, but you think it’d be easier if they dated first, you want to move forward and be happy but they’re still drowning in their sorrow, your kids are struggling and want you to get back together (but you’re singing in the rain and tap dancing in puddles with joy), or if you’ve left a narcissist you’re too scared to be open about your own happiness in case you get punished. Whatever the situation is it’s easy to feel guilty or scared about having a good time. But you can’t feel guilty for getting on with your life, for having fun, for dating again or for doing better than your ex. You have the right to be happy.

 

Parenting;

If you have children whether you like it or not you are still a family. You just look different from other families. So, it’s important to try and keep good communication going. Even if you are the only one trying. Know your level of integrity and stick to it, not just for you but for your children. Try and keep the ex-informed about the kid’s activities, dates of swap overs, birthday parties, school events etc. Whether the other parent turns up or not is not your responsibility but keeping communication open is.

Keep your emotions out of it too as much as possible. One year I gave my ex money to ensure he had a present for our daughter’s birthday. Don’t ever let your kids suffer where you can. This is your baggage to deal with, don’t make it theirs.

If you need to avoid them physically use email.

Also, be aware that both parties need to move forward financially and both parties need to provide for your children. Stay away from the “seek and destroy” mentality. Don’t comment on your partner’s bad behaviour to your kids. As their parent, it’s your responsibility to try and support their relationship unless it is emotionally and physically detrimental to their wellbeing and safety. For most of us, their dads may have been shit husbands but they’re still good dads. And most children need their good dads.

If you need support and don’t have much family, then seek support of other single mamas. 4 years after divorce I met another single mama and we hit it off. We organise “family nights” together and get the kids together for sleep overs and movies while we stuff our faces with gourmet pizza (cooking is forbidden) and dissect our lives in fits of laughter over a bottle of red. One pro of the single mama is you get to create your new ‘family’.

Keep your kids lives as normal as possible. Encourage play dates, keep them on top of their homework where possible, and keep them engaged in their favourite activities.  In 2005 after Hurricane Katrina hit in USA, psychologists reported that the kids whose parents had kept their kids’ lives as normal as possible were more resilient and bounced back physically and emotionally better than the parents who wrapped their kids up in cotton wool. Divorce sucks but it’s an opportunity to teach your children how to cope in a crisis. Those are serious life skills!

Anglicare also have some great support groups for kids going through divorce. Parents aren’t allowed in and it gives the kids a free space to express themselves and share their feelings with other kids going through the same thing. They’re facilitated by counsellors too which makes it a definite safe and supportive space.

Talk to teachers and ensure their school is aware and supportive of the pressures and emotional disturbances your kids may be going through. Watch out for any lapses in their grades or changes in friendships. Keep conversations with them open, which will be easier to do if you’re not bad mouthing the other parent!

Trust in your kids! Most kids are more resilient and stronger then you think. It’s careful balance of protecting them from the fall out and yet not disabling them. Let them know they are loved, but don’t wrap them up in cotton wool or over compensate by buying them toys and treats to make up for the guilt of having “a broken family”.

 

Flexibility

Divorce = change. On mass. Parenting schedules change, careers change, there’s emotional changes, family structures are changing, housing changes, there’s financial changes… you’re going to have to learn to be flexible and roll with the punches til it calms down. Considering you have to wait in in Australia for 12 months from separation to file for divorce, you’ll have to be open to the possibility of it taking well over a year for the ride to smooth out. Get flexible!

 

Re-define yourself:

You too, are going to go through changes and trust me, in 3 years’ time you will not be the same person you were when you first separated (but if you work with me, I’ll ensure you will come out the best possible version you can be!)

Marriages break up because there was something amiss in the first place. Whether there was clashing values, mis-communication, emotional or psychical abuse, lack of boundaries, power plays, betrayal, neglect…. No one gets divorced because everyone was happy. And no one gets divorced without a good bruising. Get the help and support you need to clear out the emotional closets. For me, my journey post-divorce enabled me to redefine who I was, what I wanted and what I wanted to create in this world. But I had to clear out a whole lot of pus and stuff first! I also had to face some truths about myself and take ownership of my own part in my marriage.

Nowadays I love using the lessons from my own journey to assist other women to re-define themselves and re-create their lives post-divorce! The basics we cover are;

  • Dealing with anger, blame, sadness, despair, guilt, shame, and fear that release you from the past.
  • Shifting limiting beliefs that keep you attracting the same circumstances and relationships, that you just walked away from.
  • Increasing your self-confidence and creating better boundaries with yourself and others.
  • Working on communication, how you meet your needs and how to respond to the needs of others in a healthy manner.
  • Digging deep to learn about who you really are, what you really want and how you can unearth your unlimited potential to create the beautiful life you actually desire for you and your children.

And there’s a whole lot of self-love stuff in there too!

You can find out more about my services here.

Divorce is a huge and lonely emotional roller-coaster ride, but it’s also a new beginning of understanding who you truly are and another chance to create the life you were always dreaming of.

With the right support and guidance, you can come sailing through with much more grace and dignity then you thought possible. There’s nothing more exciting than watching my clients come through the other end full of passion and hope, and hearing the amazing inspiring stories of lives they’ve created further down the track! Some of my clients are now even more successful than me – and I LOVE that!!

If you are going through divorce or know someone who is, don’t be afraid to reach out and connect. I’m always more than happy to chat and see if my services suit your needs or if I can point you in the right direction.

For more inspiration sign up to “Notes from A Beautiful Truth”, a monthly dose of love, beauty and inspiration.

This is only the beginning….  xx

Saving the Single Mother

Do we need to save the single mother? It seems that the archetype of the single mother raises so many fears and criticisms, not only for the single mother but for partnered/married mothers too.

Photo by A.Davey

Photo by A.Davey

This week I’ve been really reflecting on my own journey of the single mother. I went from wanting to be saved from my single motherhood to truly accepting and embracing the experience and growth that has been born from it. Now motherhood overall is a journey in itself, but throw in divorce, separations between parents and children, custody battles, financial battles, court papers and processes, guilt, trauma, loss of hopes and dreams – it not something you like anyone to go through. And yet as I’ve discussed ‘single mothers’ in various setting these last few months, the judgement has seeped through.

Every single mother has her own journey (partnered or single) and ideally, I would love to create a world where mothers just supported mothers, and basically humans just supported humans without any labels or separations or segregation. Motherhood can be stressful, any married/partnered woman can feel just as lonely as a single mother as within her marriage. None of it is about comparison. In due respect, we all have challenges regardless of our circumstances. And all challenges and stories should be respected.

Yet, I find whenever I talk about single mothers, other partnered mothers spring up to compete with the challenges of the single mother.

Quite often I hear “at least you get time to yourself”… like being separated from your own children is a luxury? Give me a husband who stays at home one night a month while I can catch up for coffee with my friend anytime, over 7 torturous days every fortnight of being without the little souls that light up my life. Suggesting to any mother that she is lucky to be without her children is not kindness.

“What about the freedom to make your own choices?”. Yes, I embrace the freedom to not have to ask for permission or agreeance from another. But it’s sure hard having to make every long term financial decision on your own and bear the consequences and the brunt of ‘not so great ideas’ on your own shoulders. Going to bed alone, without a partner to share the burdens of some massive cock-up can be overwhelming.

There are times a married friend will invite me over so we can feed and bath our kids together as her husband is away. Only to call last minute and cancel plans because her husband came home early and ‘I don’t need your help any more’. But what if I needed yours?

Or the times that old family friends from my married days celebrate their 40th, and only invite one of you because THEY feel awkward about your divorce. And yet your ex and you have coffee regularly and are happily suggesting to each other how to make the best of their current dating experience. Often, I have found other people have more issues with our divorce then we had ourselves. We never pushed our issues on them, and yet they seemed to push their issues with our divorce on us.

Or the times a girlfriend completely cuts you off for leaving your husband – yet she was the one confiding in you how she’d cheated on her own husband the year before.

Or how suddenly the social invitations from married couples stop coming in. I don’t think it’s anything personal. It seems to be more their own uneasiness around the idea of ‘single’. Perhaps their own fears of being alone? Surely, they don’t honestly believe we’re out to snare their own husbands??

Worse is the pity comments from married friends, “You’re too nice to be single! I wish you could find somebody decent”. Even worse “Why can’t you find anyone decent?”. Does that mean if we are single then we aren’t ‘good’ people? That because we are single mothers, there must be something intrinsically wrong within us?

It’s been quite an interesting journey seeing the reactions of partnered mothers to the single mother.

I hope one day that all mothers can put their own struggles aside and just bear compassion for every other mother regardless of her relationship status.

For me I love celebrating the relationships of my partnered mother friends. I love seeing them blissfully happy, seeing them celebrating their anniversaries, missing their husbands when they travel for work and rejoicing in their bliss of having them home again. I always giggle when I see them sneak a kiss at a BBQ or a cuddle at a picnic. Nothing lights up my soul more than seeing my girlfriends with their husbands and kids, all together revelling in their family unit. Their bliss is my bliss. I think it’s wonderful and I trust one day that will enter my own life.

I  trust that one day we, as women, can stop judging each other and learn to celebrate and support each other from the heart.

The single mother isn’t one to be feared, judged, condemned, isolated, or criticised. Nor does she need to be saved. What she needs more than anything is to know she is enfolded still into her community, unconditionally. To be celebrated and supported and told she can do this. I now and admire many single mothers as fully capable and emotionally sound human beings who do an excellent job at raising and providing for their children.

Nor do I believe that she should be the victim or the martyr. Neither archetypes do anything empowering for the single mother. She does not need to be pitied, even when she wants to be. And trust me, like all humans do, she will want to be pitied. She’ll want her moment of having her doom and gloom heard. She doesn’t need to be saved. Her rescue doesn’t come from outside of her, but from within her. The best thing to do is to listen for a while and then ask her “How are you going to move forward?”, “Can I help you?”.  Nothing is more important than hearing “I don’t know the answers, but I know I believe in you”.

Every female has the ability to step into their own power, to empower and rescue herself, whether single or not. Single mothers may just need that bit more support, compassion, encouragement, and belief so that they can find the belief within themselves.

Which is why I’m currently creating a new course, just for the single mother. A safe place where she can face her fears, share her story and be supported through her journey of empowerment. This course isn’t about how to not be a single mother…. It’s about how to be an empowered female who know her own strengths, who can stand tall in her own arena, who can be proud of the road she has traveled and is a shining role model for all who surrounds her (esp her children) ….. who happens to have children and……who just happens to be single.

If you would love to learn more about this course, or be involved in the market research to create this course, contact me here – I would love to hear from you!

The Importance of Living From The Heart Space

Verity mansfield Daughters Living from the heart space. Life coach truth and beauty

Living from the heart space isn’t something new. It’s actually the way many ancient cultures based their wisdom on. Cultures that saw less disease, less mental health issues and less conflict then we see in our own culture today.

I have always tried to live by my heart space. At the end of my life I want to have left this world in a better place then I found it. Even at the end of a relationship, and I’ve done my fair share of dating, I have always tried to leave people in a better place than where I met them. I want everyone to see how beautiful and powerful they are in their lives, for people to see who they truly are at their absolute core.

It’s one thing as a coach to help women to unearth their truths and to acknowledge their inner beauty, but one crucial piece of the puzzle that was missing for a while was to get my clients to feel their own beauty, and that had to come from their heart space. How could I teach women to live from their heart space? After all knowing something and actually physically feeling it within yourself are completely different things, and yet it seemed to be the major key for many of my clients in turning their lives around!

Learning about the heart space and implementing various tools around heart space has completely changed my life. It’s change my perspective on life, my perspective of the world, how I even operate in the world, how I relate to my peers and my loved ones, and I’d even go so far as to say it’s healed things at an emotional and physical level, even when antibiotics weren’t working for me!

So, how can we live more from our heart space?

 

By asking ourselves, “How can I end this day better then how I woke to it?”.

 

Wake up and align your heart with your mindset. 

Put 2 fingers on the centre of your heart (you can do this lying down in bed) and spend 60 seconds being in gratitude. Feel the gratitude rising and filling you up. Imagine it getting so big it can’t be contained in your body, or in your own suburb, or in the country or in the world! Then send that feeling out to the world in general, allowing whoever needs to receive it, to receive it.

 

Accept you cannot control others’ thoughts, words or feeling but you can control your own.

Don’t let your day be ruined because someone else acted like a jerk for 5 minutes. And don’t allow yourself to sink to their level either. Simply place your fingers where your heart is and breath. As you let your breathe out, release their actions and words from yourself. They do not belong to you, so don’t pick them up in the first place.

 

Smile. Pure and simple.

Your smile is your gift and when you smile, it triggers chemicals to be released. Happy ones, like the feel good neurotransmitters dopamine, endorphins and serotonin! The more you smile and breath, the more you allow happiness in. Imagine your smile as a gift to others. When we see a smile, it lifts our own spirits, even for a moment. Smile at the man at the checkout in the supermarket. Smile at the child on the street. Smile at your co-worker for no reason.

 

Do something kind for someone.

At least once a day, do something kind for someone even if it’s for yourself! Big or small it doesn’t matter. Open the door for someone, offer to help someone if you see them struggling, read your kids a book, make someone else a cup of coffee or tea, invite someone over for a chat, run yourself a bath or buy yourself a new book (you’ll help the author out, the bookstore out and learn something new!). Helping others out makes us feel better about ourselves and about the world we live in.

 

When we live by our heart space we actually benefit in a vast number of ways!

 

  • Our stress reduces.
  • Our connections with others strengthen.
  • We set off an anti aging process in our bodies (not kidding!!)
  • We become more in tuned with ourselves.
  • We live longer (scientific fact!)
  • We even engage our bodies own self healing process! (crazy!!)
  • We increase our resilience.
  • We increase the ability of our brain to absorb and recall information.
  • And we improve our emotional experiences.

What’s more is that all this is backed up by leading scientists!

CONNECT with me to chat about how you can live more from your heart space, otherwise head to the FREEBIE page and get some free love!

The Truth About Forgiveness

when-forgiveness-sets-us-free

Forgiveness can be really hard, but the beautiful truth about forgiveness is that it actually sets us free.

Anyone can hold a grudge but it takes a person with character to forgive. When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden. Forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was ok, and it doesn’t mean that person should still be welcome in your life or that you should forget what happened. It just means you have made peace with the pain, and are ready to let go. You see, forgiveness is not something we do for other people, but something that we do for ourselves to heal and move forward.

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul”.

~ Brigitte Nicole

The ability to forgive and to let go of past hurts and pains is one of the hardest challenges many of us face. It certainly isn’t always easy to forgive someone who has hurt you but it is absolutely necessary in order for you to sustain long term peace and happiness. In the process of uncovering and letting go of anger, we can restore hope and move on with life. Real forgiveness takes courage and determination.

“People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right) and endeavor to respond to the wrong doer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity and moral love (to which the wrong doer by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right.)”, Dr. Robert Enright.

Here are some key points about forgiveness:

  • Forgiveness and trust are two different things. You can forgive someone for their behaviour and still decide this isn’t someone to trust in your life, or maybe you can allow them to build back that trust over time.
  • You can forgive someone and still hold them accountable for their actions. You can forgive someone without condoning or excusing what they did. Forgiveness does not minimise or justify the bad behaviour. It just allows you to release your own emotional pain to bring you peace and freedom. It allows you to heal so the other person’s bad behaviour no longer holds power over you and keeps you ‘stuck’ in anger and resentment.
  • Forgiveness is a choice. You must be willing to forgive, even if you are not sure how.
  • By forgiving we refuse to play the victim and we let go of the control and power that the offending person has over us. We choose not to allow grudges, hurt or pain to define our lives.

How do we let go and forgive?

  1. Acknowledge what hurt or offended you:

Accept what has happened and reflect upon it. Take note of how you reacted and how it has affected your health and well-being. Don’t try and sweep it under the carpet or down play the offense. Admit what happened and how you responded or reacted.

Practice articulating what was unacceptable about the situation.

  1. Look for a broader perspective:

Make an attempt to understand the other person. Was the offense deliberate, or merely mindless and insensitive? Does the other person even know they’ve hurt you? Were they being selfish or reckless or are they suffering from something else that was at play?

Going through the process of trying to understand the situation sheds new light on the matter and can reduce the level of hurt. Sometimes it can even dissolve it. Perhaps they were having a bad day or perhaps you yourself had been insensitive?

If the behaviour was deliberate and intended to hurt you, reframe it. Accept that the other person’s bad behaviour is only a comment on their own state of mind and not a comment on you. After all it was their behaviour. It belongs to them.

  1. Work through the emotions:

Acknowledge the emotions but do not get stuck in them. Anger is a secondary emotion to pain. Label the emotions as this can help decrease the strength of the emotion and allow it to pass. Practice stress management techniques like meditation, yoga, exercise – anything soothing. Write your thoughts out on paper, or express your emotions to a close and trusted friend. Do not deny yourself the right to your emotions. Accept them and let them go.

  1. Commit to letting go and moving on:

Remember the first reason for forgiveness is about allowing yourself to move forward in peace. Letting go and moving on can take time so be patient with yourself too.

There are many negative consequences from holding onto anger and resentment.

Researchers have noted the following consequences:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Feeling that life lacks meaning or purpose
  • Loss of valuable connections
  • Physical illnesses
  • Reduced immune system
  • Increased risk of alcohol and drug abuse

Scientists and researchers have also discovered many benefits to forgiveness:

  • Increased happiness
  • Increased immune system
  • Restored positive thoughts
  • Overall positive psychological well being
  • Increased compassion and understanding
  • Reduced stress, anxiety and depression
  • Ability to function better a t home, in the workplace and in interpersonal relationships
  • Increased hope and optimism for the future.
  1. Get Professional Help if you need it:

If you find it too difficult to let go, if the incident was too traumatic or ongoing, consider enlisting the help of a professional. Having peace of mind and being able to move forward clearly are more than worth your while. You can enlist a counsellor / coach like myself who is certified in NLP, Matrix therapies or a psychologist or even a kinesiologist.


An Exercise in Forgiveness:

  1. At the end of the day today, schedule in some alone time to unwind.
  2. Make sure you’re in a place where you feel safe, and will not be interrupted or feel judged by anyone.
  3. Write the name of the person you need to forgive on a piece of paper. If you want you can write down the names of everyone you need to forgive.
  4. Now forgive that person or each person. Say it out allowed “I forgive [name]”.
  5. Think about each and every one of those people, and wish them the best in life. Understand that the only way they would have hurt you was if they were in a bad place themselves. Find a place of compassion for their own pain and wish them healing.
  6. If a lesson has been learnt thank them for the lesson.
  7. Hope for them to find peace. Say “I hope you find peace [name].”
  8. Let out all of the pent up emotion. Cry if you have to. We spend way too much time trying to look strong in front of the world, suppressing all our pain, and this is what causes us to snap at people over petty things because we store up angry energy. Tears are a washing away of this ego, of releasing these negative emotional energies and they allow you to feel new again.
  9. When you are all finished, burn the piece of paper. Allow it to represent a moment of closure. A moment to move on to what life has in store for you next.

Stay beautiful.

Verity xx

The Truth About Trump

design
I’m hearing a lot of people getting really angry about Donald Trump being elected President of USA and think that people are missing the beauty within the lesson and are failing to see this as a gift to the human race.

Yes I just put Trump+Gift together…. stay with me here!

Trump just highlights the qualities we see in people, and even in ourselves at times,  in our everyday life’s. Lies, bad behaviour, greed, abuse of power/position, putting others down, bullying, arrogance, tantrums, anger, selfishness….. hmmm seems like none of us are perfect. Trump just amplifies the qualities we see in ourselves and others that we don’t want to accept or face.

If Trump being elected has such an effect on you then perhaps look around your own life and see where his egotistical, greedy, selfish, arrogant, sexist and tyrannic ways show up, then be inspired to take action;
1) Set clear boundaries with those that make you feel small.
2) Forgive yourself for your short comings and cultivate better ways to handle difficult situations.
3) Forgive others and yet keep those people responsible/accountable for their bad behaviors.
4) Consciously cultivate virtues of kindness, generosity, flexibility, tolerance, optimism, beauty (as in how to create), intelligence and wisdom, honor, humor and honesty….. not only in yourself but those younger people in your care.

5) Raise children that don’t buy into the sexualisation of females and if you hear men sexually slurring women – tell them its not acceptable.

We are not a helpless society and sitting around whining helps no one. So instead of being reactive, make the decision to be proactive. Speak up and be actively responsible in creating a society where we say NO to the Trumps of this world.

Use this election as an amazing way to empower yourself and those around you. Use this election to inspire you to increase the love and the joy and the compassion and the understanding in your life.

Take note that Australia has one of the highest rates of sexual and domestic violence against women in the world! So before berating another country, we should look at our own backyards and see where our responsibilities lie in adjusting the values in our own society to create a better society for it’s future generations.

Be the silver lining and inspire yourself to be the best version of yourself, to find your voice and use it and hence knock the Trumps of this world off their thrones.

Real change? Real change starts with each and every one of us. Not with Donald Trump. Now that’s real power xx