We all want our daughters to be So a few days ago in my private Facebook group, The Beautiful World of Women, one of the ladies posed a dilemma about what’s appropriate in regards to make up and self expression through fashion when raising young girls.
I also have 2 young girls, 7yrs and 10yrs, who have been begging me for make up for years! They love stepping into my heals, they love wearing my cocktail dresses, they’ve been caught with my goddess red lipstick in hand much to my horror and I’ve freaked out at their insistence on wearing 80’s corn blue (aka porn blue) eye-shadow!!!
But how much of this is harmless self expression and where do you draw the line in order to protect them from sexualising themselves and from what is now termed by sociologists as ‘slut culture’. Yes it’s now an actual term!
You know those young women who dress with too much skin exposed solely to express their sexual self in order to seek approval from the boys; the overtly flirtatious giggles, the way too short barely there skirts, the teeny tiny dresses that even as adults we can’t figure out if it’s a dress or if she forgot to put pants on under her slightly longer than normal t shirt, the shockingly over the top garish make-up; the girls on the hunt to attract male attention in order to validate their sexual self as a worthy prize.
Maybe it’s a natural part of growing up, maybe it’s a product of low self esteem, a lack of boundaries or society’s warped perception that women exist for men’s sexual gratification… I mean the marketing world exploits the whole ‘sex sells’ concept on a daily basis. Do we really need to allow our daughters to accept this a ‘coming of age’ stage? What if we, as parents, challenged these perceptions and educate our daughters to validate themselves internally, to feel comfortable in their own skin, to express themselves creatively and through intelligent thought and conversation, to value the virtues on the inside more then their ‘assets’ on the outside (why do we even refer to breasts and buttocks as ‘assets’???) and most importantly how to maintain healthy boundaries and know how to decipher which boys also value Virtues over Vulvas?
In our household my girls know my stance on little girls and make up. It’s a no-no. I’ve set the boundary that they can’t own make up til they’re 16yrs. That’s my boundary and we all need to find our own boundaries that sit well with us as individuals.
In the mean time there’s a few exceptions to the rule, such as dance performances, weddings, adult birthday celebrations etc, and the occasional bonding girls night where we paint our nails and experiment plaiting our hair and lip glosses. I don’t think a total ban on make up is necessary, it just needs its boundaries as much as junk food does.
I think it’s also important to have age appropriate independent use of make up rules ie clear lip balms til 10yrs, then maybe a tinted lip balm after from 10yrs old. Again families need to find their own levels of comfort, but a clear lip balm never hurt anyone but the wool carpet it gets mushed into.
I’ve also found it useful to teach the girls about why I wear make up. I wear “barely there” make-up to work on a daily basis and keep it basic and use neutral colours, but I also love getting expressive with make-up for date nights and playing with sparkly gold glittery eye shadows and coloured eye liners. I’m pretty fond of my poppy red lipstick, my Chanel N’5 perfume, my black eyeliner, my bronzer, my highlighter, a good blush, eye primer….. ok so you get the picture – I LOVE to play with make up! So I like to emphasise to my daughters that make-up and fashion is a creative process and a form of self expression vs the ‘I wear make-up to make myself look pretty’. Make-up will not fix your life and nor is it a solution for low self-esteem and self-worth.
It’s a fine line because we all know the power of a red lipstick that instantly boosts your confidence and the magic of mascara that lengthens our lashes to frame the windows of our souls….. but confidence and highlighting our assets are concepts I feel are too much for young girls to navigate when they haven’t yet learnt that confidence and beauty come from within first and foremost!!
The most empowering concepts I can talk to my girls about as we navigate these issues heading into puberty, is to have open discussions about beauty and what beauty means, not just to me but to them as well; to help them understand that real beauty is something we cultivate from the inside and not from a $25 lip gloss.
We won’t always know if our conversations are really sinking in at times until those golden moments, like last month, when Olivia was watching me getting ready in the morning and commented, ‘Mummy you don’t need make up to be beautiful. You’re already beautiful to me just as you are’.
Those are the mornings now I put my own eyeliner down and find myself trusting in the beauty they see in their own eyes…..
So what do I want to teach my daughters about beauty?
To be honest it hit me the most when I went through all our photos trying to find the right image for this blog. The most beautiful photos I could find were the crazy ones of us, pulling sill faces, throwing our heads back with laughter, celebrating birthdays, Olivia learning to surf, Lila shoving our beloved chicken down the slide, the first time Olivia and I went scuba diving when she was 8yrs, the holidays we bonded, the giant bubble spa baths that got out of control, my daughters with a face covered in food…..our ability to create beautiful memories…. now that is true beauty.
If you want more information about re framing the idea of beauty as concept of creative self expression, download The Truth About Beauty ebook, and check out our Mother & Daughter workshops!
Stay beautiful xx
Do you still play by #TheGoodGirlRules?
Did it give you everything you ever wanted? Are you completely and utterly loved and adored and if so is it for being The Good Girl or for being who you truly are……?
I’m pretty well experienced in playing the Good Girl. If there was a “Miss Universe Good Girl People Pleaser”, I’d have won it a thousand times! Which is probably why at 32yrs, I finally broke. Oh I cracked big time! After years, fine, decades of playing by #TheGoodGirlRules, I finally lost who I truly was, I was running on empty with nothing to give anyone, I fell out of love with my husband (who is actually a lovely guy) and I fell out of love with myself. My life did not resemble anything I had hoped for and the cracks were beginning to split right open.
So I decided to FUCK The Good Girl Rules. Yep I said it. #FuckTheGoodGirlRules
So what are #TheGoodGirlRules?
They’re all those messages we grew up with from our parents, peers and society on how, as women, we can learn to be a valued member of society….
Why is this an issue? Don’t we want to be good?
A week ago I put out a call for a group of 14,000 women to share the “good girl” rules they were brought up with. I was sick and tired of being told I needed to follow a set of rules to be successful, fit and happy and wanted to know if others were tired of it too.
The response was overwhelming, passionate and shocking. Some of the stories were humorous but the majority of stories unearthed that there are still massive sexist stereotypes and social expectations of women worldwide. Patronising, diminishing, weakening, dis-empowering, shaming….. What started off as a post for my own outburst/tantrum turned into a massive group therapy session for over 100 women divulging their own personal experiences about having suffered by #TheGoodGirlRules. And what’s worse is that we are still living by these ‘Good Girl Rules’.
You see these #GoodGirlRules keep us in “our” place, they stop us from expressing our own deep desires, they curb us from being free to speak up and speak out, they shame us into being meek and diminish our true beautiful inner strength. They keep us small and scared.
All fired up and based on all the responses and research, I dissected it all into 9 basic #TheGoodGirlRules. Follow them if you must but I’d advise you wait til you read part 2 of this blog….. #FuckTheGoodGirlRules (on cue – smile sweetly).
THE GOOD GIRL RULES;
1. The Good Girl is obsessed about the “right thing”.
After all being right is being good. The Good Girl does the right thing by her parents and her teachers. She avoids answering questions in school (what if she’s wrong?). She grows up worried about ‘what if’ she does the wrong thing! The Good Girl never takes risks; she always plays it safe. She takes the safe job. Marries the safe option. She lets others make the big decisions for her. It’s nice to have dreams but let’s just keep those silly little dreams to ourselves shall we? Good girl.
2. The Good Girl is perfect all the time.
The Good Girl dresses as well as she can, looks the part and acts the part. She can’t break the rules, she can’t make a mistake, she can’t get it wrong, she can’t disappoint…. She must do what she’s told. Keep flawless, that will please the others. Don’t crack the facade…. She lets everyone think she’s happy. Don’t let others see the truth. Oh with this rule she can marry the good looking wealthy boy, who doesn’t care about her needs too. Take another happy selfie for Instagram. Keep up the outside appearances and you might want to just cut back on the cake…. There, that’s a Good girl.
3. The Good Girl never makes others feel inferior.
This means the Good Girl can never shine too bright in fear that her success or happiness might make someone else feel bad about their own circumstances. She dumbs herself down, she talks herself down, she refuses compliments, she tries not to stand too tall in her own shoes and therefore shrinks herself just enough to not be a threat to others. This also encourages her to believe she’s not really enough (one should keep herself caged). Remembers one can’t shine too brightly and heaven forbid embarrass the boys. This also mean that The Good Girl must suppress her natural talents. You see if she is of service to others, they will find her valuable BUT if she actually uses her natural talents or her brains (what do girls need maths for anyway) and outshines someone, she will be a threat. Stop shining and start serving. Don’t cast shadows on others by shining so brightly. Turn the light off. Shrink back. Step back. Out the way. Thank you, you’re such a good girl.
4. The Good Girl must constantly seek external validation.
The Good Girl constantly watches herself through the eyes of others, analysing what they must be thinking of her, quietly adjusting her behaviour continuously so as to keep the status quo. Yes, it’s exhausting constantly worrying about the opinions of others but if she stops seeking this external validation how would she know who she is pleasing, who will validate her, who will love her? How will she know if she belongs? If she’s accepted?? Keep watching, keep smiling…. there’s a Good Girl.
5. The Good Girl does not rock the boat – Part 1.
Don’t speak unless spoken to. Little girls should be seen and not heard. Don’t offer your opinion, it might upset someone. Don’t speak your mind because someone might disagree. Nod politely. If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all. Strong + Independence = Threat. The Good Girl threatens nobody (see rule #3). The Good Girl should be concerned only with what is “right” (see rule #1). If she doesn’t upset anyone she’ll be accepted. She’ll be easy to get along with. A pleasant girl. A nice simple girl. A Good Girl.
6. The Good Girl does not rock the boat. Part 2.
The Good Girl doesn’t get Emotional. Look pretty, act cute, smile sweetly now. Yes, even if you’re sad. No, please don’t show your emotions or be emotional! Good heavens! No one else wants to be brought down by your own burdens! Emotional means you have needs after all and The Good Girl doesn’t acknowledge her needs unless she is alone where her needs won’t intrude upon other people’s lives. Emotional = hard work. So chin up! Keep smiling! What a pretty looking girl. What a Good Girl.
7. The Good Girl loves to please others. (“Loves” or “Lives” to please others? So hard to tell these days…)
Parents. Children. Husbands. Lovers. Employers. Friends. Hell even strangers. The Good Girl lets others go first, ensures she made her parents happy and proud (she’ll sacrifice her own dreams to please anyone!), ensures her husband is well fed, his shirts are ironed (even though he has arms), house is tidy (he also lives here), children are bathed and their little lives are completely organised, errands are run, presents are bought (for everyone including the in-laws), bosses are happy (the guilt of taking sick days when the children are ill or even worse if she is ill), friends are never let down (even if she’s not well enough to attend their parties)….. The Good Girl pleases everyone regardless of how stressed, exhausted, hungry, sick and miserable she may feel. Only then can she truly confuse ‘self love’ with ‘selfish’. The Good Girl starts forgetting who she is. What a very Good Girl!
8. The Good Girl keeps house.
While the boys get metal work and welding The Good Girl takes up Home Economics (or How to Keep a Husband 101) learning how to cook and clean and sew a pillow case. Good Girl! This also helps with keeping up appearances, pleasing the in laws, being worthy of a good husband regardless if he’s worthy of you (This isn’t about The Good Girls’ needs anyway remember!). And in the mean time she might even have a full time job (well it’s only fair as he works too!).
9. The Good Girl doesn’t have sex.
The Good Girl must keep her legs crossed, eyes down and be meek and mild. Good Girls do not flirt. Good Girls do not giggle at boys. Good Girls cover up. Good Girls must never even kiss boys and must never express themselves sexually unless in a serious committed relationship. Even then it must all be kept behind closed doors. Good Girls must act virginal and innocent. No man wants to marry a bad girl! It may seem like double standards as boys can sleep with as many girls as possible, but boys will be boys! Your body doesn’t really belong to you anyway, it’s a present for a man, after all HE doesn’t want a “tainted’ women or second hand goods! Legs crossed! Good Girl.
In fact while writing these rules it became clear that no wonder women are so overwhelmed by what they ‘should’ do, or who they ‘should’ be.
No wonder women are over burdened by juggling so many balls in trying to be it all and have it all.
No wonder so many women struggle to separate their own needs and desires with the needs and desires of those that they love.
No wonder so many women don’t speak up and don’t step up to leadership roles.
No wonder we struggle to find own place in the world or struggle to even begin to entertain the thought that maybe, just maybe….. there’s something more for us in this world.
To be perfectly honest writing even these 9 #GoodGirlRules made me feel nauseous. I’ve been caged by these rules, I’ve been enslaved to desperately wanting to be the Good Girl purely to make others happy and I’ve seen it in others too. While they may seem slightly dramatic there is truth in every single one of them.
The world is definitely changing, but unless we’re aware of what the ‘rules’ are that we’ve been conditioned to live by as women, how do we know what rules to break? Now don’t get me wrong! I love to sew and I like to cook good food for my family. I love serving my clients and I love supporting my family and friends – but these are now CHOICES I freely make and not things I feel are expected of me in order to feel valued or of worth to others.
Today I validate myself. I exist to be the best possible version of myself. It’s my responsibility to make me happy and to live a life that is true to MY passions and MY purpose. And there is nothing more powerful than drawing the line in the sand, digging our heels in, staring the world in the face and saying #FuckTheGoodGirlRules.
It’s time to break free.
To be continued….
If you’d love to read Part 2 #FuckTheGoodGirlRules, sign up to ‘Notes from A Beautiful Truth’ to stay connected!
The Art of Receiving is actually pretty simple. As women we’re so well trained in giving that we often forget how to receive. After all ‘good girls’ give and don’t take….. Bollocks I say! The truth is you can’t give freely if you don’t know how to receive. An empty cup can’t quench anyone’s thirst! This crucial little principle “Be.Do.Have” will help you to understand the Art of Receiving..
I remember learning about the concept of “Be, Do, Have” for the first time about ten years ago. Most of us think we need to “have” a certain thing or set of things (more money, love, time, experience, etc.), so that we can finally “do” something important (pursue our passion, start a business, go on vacation, create a relationship, buy a home, etc.), which will then allow us to “be” what we truly want in life (peaceful, fulfilled, inspired, generous, in love, etc.). In actuality, it works the other way around.
First we “be” what we want (peaceful, loving, inspired, abundant, successful, or whatever), then we start “doing” things from this state of being – and soon we discover that what we’re doing winds up bringing us the things we’ve always wanted to “have.”
Test it out!
Next time you feel stuck or angry or upset, ask yourself the following;
- What am I BEING and what triggered this?
- What am I DOING that supports this?
- What am I going to HAVE by doing this?
For eg; I am being sad because I broke up with my boyfriend. I am supporting (doing) this sadness by focusing on what i have lost. I am creating (have) a sense of loss and helplessness and alienation.
||Who am I being?
Pin point the emotion
What triggered this?
Broke up with boyfriend
||What am I doing that supports this?
||Focusing on what I have lost
Looking for comfort and understanding
||What am I going to have?
Hmmmmm that doesn’t sound like something anyone would want to attract into their life!
“You have the power to choose who you want to be. Be the grandest, greatest, and the best that you can be”. Anon
Yep! That’s right! You have a choice! If you want to start receiving good into your life, start being the grandest, greatest version of yourself that you can. You don’t have to jump straight to being “joyful” when you are in fact heart broken but you can start with “hope”.
Try this instead:
I am being hopeful because I know this will pass in time. I am supporting (doing) this by surrounding myself with a few good friends and by doing my favourite things and focusing on my self-care. By doing this I will have a safe and secure place to love myself while I heal. By committing and loving myself I will attract the right type of guy into my life.
||Who am I being?
Pin point the emotion
What triggered this?
“If I’ve had love once before I’ll have it again another day.”
||What am I doing that supports this?
||Surround myself with good friends
Create a playlist of positive music
Watch comedies when I feel sad.
Do my favourite things or learn something new.
Run a bubble bath and read my favourite book.
||What will I have?
||Security, love and happiness.
Safe and secure place filled with love.
The ability to love and nurture myself.
The right mindset and energy to attract the right guy into my life.
Throughout the day/ week stop yourself and check in with the “Be, Do, Have” principle. Once you have realised what you are Being, Doing what supports it and note what you are creating (Having) – ask yourself
- Who do I need/want to BE?
- What do I need to DO to support that?
- What will I HAVE once I do this?
Living this way helps us take charge of our emotions and our behaviour and take responsibility for our lives. This works on so many different areas. If you want more money in your life, start thinking who you need to BE (BE the emotions money would give you), what would you need to DO, and what will you be creating (HAVE)?
Print off this worksheet to help you keep in the right mindset through out the day.
Themed days to support and celebrate the beauty within all women.
How else can I support a positive mindset?
Easy! Join “The Beautiful World of Women “. This Facebook group is devoted to women supporting women, each sharing their stories, wisdom and knowledge. We love a safe place to support and celebrate our #soulsisters, so if you want to find your tribe.. here we are! Each day has a theme, to encourage you to share the love throughout the week.
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What is a discovery call?
A discovery call is a great way to find out if coaching will really work for you WITHOUT any commitment!
You call me for a free conversation and tell me what the issues are that you’re experiencing and I will honestly tell you if my coaching will work for you or not.
A discovery call is NOT a sales pitch. If I have to convince you to work with me, then you’re not ready to be coached or I’m not the right coach for you (see my post on How to Choose the Right Coach for You). A Beautiful Truth is all about authenticity, beauty and truth and hard sell sales pitches are not part of my ethics, nor is my style.
My drive is to help clients get real results. This means that I only take on clients who are motivated enough to be dedicated to learning and growing and making their lives more beautiful. I have turned clients away for a number of reasons;
- Not committed to themselves.
- Not ready to dig deep and take responsibility to change.
- Needed to be referred to other coaches or other professionals better suited to their needs.
How Discovery Calls benefit you!
Discovery calls are also useful if you want to find more information about what coaching is and what is involved in the coaching process. This enables you to make a decision whether you want to work with me as well. Remember coaching is about working together so both parties need to feel comfortable with each other.
If you’re not 100% sure what it is you want and you’re unsure if coaching would work for you then a discovery call is the best obligation free way to go.
Here are some common questions you are already wondering about…. I’m answering front up so your ‘Discovery Call’ can be focused on your needs.
Will coaching work for me?
You get out what you put in. If you follow the process and complete any weekly tasks, you will benefit greatly. If you dedicate yourself to learning and growing, you will learn and grow. If you go the extra mile and take the initiative or extra steps with talks you will benefit greater still.
If you do not do the tasks and don’t apply yourself to learning and growing you will not only be wasting your money, but you will be wasting your time and my time too. I have only ever dropped one client for not being committed and they came back 3 days later more committed then ever and made some amazing changes in their lives.
What if I can’t afford it?
If you are 100% committed but can not afford the prices, we can find an agreement that suits us both. I don’t discount my services because i know that they work and I believe in what I do and I know the value of them. We can however arrange a payment plan.
The other important question to ask yourself is what are you worth? While payment can seem daunting, how you manage your money is also symbolic of how you value and invest in yourself emotionally and psychologically. Payment seals a deal so that both parties have fair expectations. I’ll expect you to be committed to yourself and the time / money you have invested, and you will have expectations of great solid results from my coaching.
It also gives you the comfort to ask questions and make as much use of my time and resources as possible without guilt!
What if I just don’t have the time?
You need to decide whether you are a priority in your life or not. Do you need to change things now?
Sometimes you don’t, you might just need some extra information or support from other beautiful women!
- In that case check out my freebies and see if they’re useful to you.
- Otherwise if you are looking for some soul-sister support join my private FB group The Beautiful World of Women.
However if you keep questioning that there must be something more, or you know that things have to change now, know this beautiful truth; Where there is a will there is a way.
If sorting out your life, issues and unresourceful patterns of behaviour is something you have an urge to figure out, then you’ll make time for it. I have sessions in the day, evening session and weekend sessions – so something for everyone and we can skype if you’re interstate or over seas.
If turning things around is not a priority for you, that’s perfectly fine. When the time is right you’ll know it. So don’t rush your journey, breath and take your time. And most of all….
Getting a coach on board is one of the best ways you can invest in yourself and your future. Whether it’s short term for 6 weeks or a longer term of 3 months, coaching can really change the way you see yourself and the world around you.
So how do you choose the right coach for you?
I personally have my own Life Coach and a Business Coach. We’re all human and we all have challenges we need to break down, we all need a good sounding board to bounce ideas off in a safe and non-judgmental environment and we all need that non-objective person we can empty our heads in front of and get refocused from time to time.
It’s tough! There are a lot of options out there! I’ve been in your shoes so here’s my honest tips for choosing a coach to work with!
Decide whether you want a Life Coach, a Business Coach or an Executive Coach:
A Life Coach generally focuses on inspiring life-transforming experiences such as creating personal joy and freedom, developing a better sense of self, building stronger relationships with others and letting go of fear and doubts.
A Business Coach focuses on how to get your business from A to Z and Executive Coach is usually hired by corporations to work with directors and senior management.
Ensure they have Relevant Coaching Experience:
To be effective at life coaching, it is not necessary for the life coach to have experienced exactly what you’re trying to accomplish but its critical they know first-hand of what their talking about. For eg; there’s no point hiring a business coach if they’ve never owned or set up a small business. So, look for a coach with relevant coaching experiences to what you’re hoping to achieve. Ask about their background and if they’ve worked through the issues you’re having.
Ensure they have Relevant Coaching Qualifications:
There is no governing body overseeing the coaching industry in USA or in Australia which means anyone can call themselves a life coach after just reading a self-help book or video. Scary right?? Make sure you enquire about their training! Ask for their qualifications! A credible life coach will have gone through a significant body of coursework, has received guidance and feedback from a qualified supervisor and has experience in the field with at least 100 training hours. Here’s what to ask for;
- A Diploma in Coaching by an approved ICF (International Coaching Federation) accredited school. There are hundreds of schools popping up and the majority are NOT ICF certified.
- NLP certified by an approved ICF accredited school. NLP (Neuro Linguistics Programming) is about how we use language and the power of creative imagination to become successful and clear away self-sabotage. This stuff is amazing and very powerful!
- ICF membership. Choose someone that is a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF) and is therefore governed by professional practice and ethics guidelines. This is important. The ICF is the governing body of professional coaches at an international level.
- Matrix Therapies certified by an approved ICF accredited school. Matrix therapies involves clearing negative emotions and beliefs about past events in order to change behavioural patterns on the future. This stuff is amazing and gets results fast! If you just want a basic coach these aren’t necessary but if you really want to kick some bad habits and make some serious headway Matrix therapies and NLP practices are invaluable! I personally would never work with a coach who didn’t have either these qualifications.
Make sure you fit with your coach:
Trust your instincts when deciding whether or not the coach truly understands who you are and what you need. Ask for a free 20 minute consultation.
Ultimately, you will want a coach with whom you have great rapport, who you would trust with certain details of your life as well as your observations, who will not judge you. A safe environment to talk, a strong code of ethics and high confidentiality are essential. Ask them to email you a code of Ethics. You’ll find mine here.
Also check out their freebies! Do they resonate for you? Are they too sales-y? Does it seem authentic? Shop around!
Enquire how you’ll know if the coaching is working for you:
A professionally trained life coach will help you set clear goals that are in alignment with your intention. They will not do the work for you, but be an advocate for you to accomplish your goals. Work with your life coach to set a reasonable time frame. It is important to remember, that it may have taken you months or years to get stuck in your current issue. It will likely take more than one session to start moving in a forward direction. Look for coaches who offer packages because by the end of that time period you’ll have a clear indication whether coaching is working for you and you will have a set price and not an ongoing costly ‘how do i get out of this?’ venture on your hands.
If you have any questions about choosing a right coach feel free to contact me, or explore my own freebies here. Who doesn’t love a freebie!
You can also check out A Beautiful Truth on Facebook here.
Or join my private FB group The Beautiful World of Women here.
When does beauty turn ugly? How do you be truly beautiful without buying into all the marketing and pressure of looking like Australia’s next top model? How can you get beautiful without the Chanel eye shadow and spending $10,000 on breast implants?
Today’s blog is all about exploring beauty and how you can embrace your own unique style of beauty in your life.
Let’s explore real beauty….
Beauty is found in many things; in harmonies in music, in waves crashing on the shores, in the strokes on a canvas, in the hand sewn seams of a carefully constructed couture gown, in the simple gesture of holding someone’s hand, in the colours of a sunset, in fashion magazines, advertising…. Beauty and ideas of beauty are everywhere.
What is beauty?
Beauty is in essence is a combination of qualities that pleases your sense. Its leaves you in awe and inspires. So why is ‘beauty’ so hard to get? Why do so many people struggle to feel beautiful? Why do you struggle with feeling beautiful?
True beauty, real deep beauty that awes and inspires, is beauty that’s based in ‘creating’ not ‘competing’. ‘Creating’ comes from a place of empowerment and inspiration while ‘competing’ comes from a place of fear and ‘not good enough’.
You see, that’s really where I think the problem with beauty lies.
When beauty turns competitive, beauty turns ugly.
You start comparing your bodies to someone else’s who is skinnier, curvier, more glamorous hair, bigger eyes, bigger breasts, prettier, taller, smaller thighs….. and your level of confidence slowly starts to erode.
That’s when you stop appreciating yourself and start to criticise yourself instead, slowly picking yourself apart, opening wounds and tearing at your self-esteem and self-worth. When you compare yourself to another person you stop seeing your own true self-worth. You stop seeing your own personal and unique beauty. Instead you start seeing yourself as ‘not good enough’.
How do you create beauty in yourself?
Cultivating or creating beauty in you is actually pretty easy. It does however require a conscious effort which can be the hard part. Here are 3 simple steps you can start with today!
1.Know who you are;
This is about knowing your strengths and the great qualities that make you who you are. It’s also about knowing exactly what you are and what you stand for i.e. your truth. It’s crucial to know and really be firm in believing what you bring to the table. This is the basis of your self-worth.
2.Stop comparing yourself to others;
In other words STOP tearing you down! When you know what you bring to the table, focus on that. Stop focusing on models splashed on front pages, because they’re been edited to an inch of their lives. Trust me – I worked in the industry! Even size 8 Miss Universe contestants have been digitally sliced and diced to an inch of their lives. Media doesn’t portray what’s real. It’s manipulated to pray on your insecurities. Don’t buy into it. Appreciate who you are and what you are capable of. Everyone has that little voice in their head that tells them ‘I shouldn’t’, ‘ I can’t’ , ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘ I’ll never get this right’….etc. Learn to stop the inner critic and become your own cheerleader.
3.Discover you ‘why’;
‘Why’ is BIG news right now!! Major international companies are rewriting their policies and company statements around their ‘why’. Why? (Couldn’t help myself!) Because your ‘why’ is your driving force, this is what motivates you and is the basis of your ‘purpose’. Your ‘why’ is your passion.
Not sure where to start with these tips?
Easy ! “Be Beautiful. Be You” is a little workbook designed work book that’s been created to inspire you to start to discover your authentic self in order to embrace and bring forth your true unique inner beauty. Grab it here.
Bonus points and gold star if you came back and tell me the difference it made to you!
For more inspiration sign up to “Notes from A Beautiful Truth”, a monthly dose of love, beauty, truth and inspiration.
There’s no competition in real beauty.
Stay beautiful xx
How I Started To Own Myself and How You Can Own Yourself Too.
When I was a little girl I spent hours in my room making it mine. I rearranged ornaments on shelves, made sure all my books were in order, I’d set all my teddy bears out on display…. I loved making my bed look pretty and I loved creating little reading nooks that I could laze in the sun and indulge in my favourite book The Secret Garden. Regardless what the world threw at my 6yr old self my room was a safe haven, a sanctuary of imagination I could return to, escape to and find peace in.
After I divorced I found myself returning to this same state of mind, over that first year I threw things out that no longer reflected who I was, I bought new carpets, dining table, new plates and little glass bowls with dainty pink flowers on them. I bought new bed spreads and made my bedroom mine with candles, and Picasso prints that I loved. Suddenly I started to take real ownership of my physical environment. I repainted walls the colour I wanted them. I redecorated my children’s room. I rearranged furniture manically at midnight in sudden bursts of inspiration. I replaced every photograph in every frame. I even re-did my garden, revitalised the herb bed and turned my own backyard into my own secret garden. I bought new cushions for the day bed, I hung fairy lights everywhere and I planted all the flowers I had wanted to earlier but couldn’t due to the ex-husbands intense allergies. I finally owned my house. My escape. My sanctuary. My retreat.
That’s not all I was doing though. What I was really doing was decluttering my life, wiping the slate clean and redesigning my physical environment to reflect my true self. My house took on a new life, as did I. With each wall I painted, each new lamp I bought, each new bed spread I made up, each plant I planted I was re-creating myself and growing stronger and more freely than ever before. I didn’t just own my house. I owned myself.
Regardless what stage of life you’re at the important of “owning” your own space is imperative. You space should be a place of comfort, a retreat, a loving nest – somewhere for you to return at the end of a long day at work or a crazy hilarious night with friends.
While autumn settles in and winters on its way, no doubt we’ll all be spending more and more time indoors these next few months. So take the opportunity to start creating your own personal space now. Whether you claim a single room, the house, the garden or even your work space; Nurture it. Love it. Allow yourself to express your beauty from the inside out. Celebrate your space. Celebrate yourself. Love your space and love yourself. Own your space. Own yourself.
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A friend sent me a message on my birthday this month…”Dear Self Love, where have you been all my life?!” – Which made me laugh and shout “hell yes!”. There’s nothing more empowering then getting to that point in our lives where you actually love the woman that you are. And I don’t just mean ‘love’, I mean really, really like who you are, where you embrace yourself wholeheartedly. Like you truly know your self worth.
Through A Beautiful Truth, I’ve had the privilege to work with many inspiring women, who have battled self worth and self-esteem issues. They hear the cheers of others hear telling them “you just have to love yourself” and they want to punch those people in the face. I get it. It’s not like we all don’t already know this! But when you’re out of touch with who you are in the first place, when you’ve never truly known unconditional love, when you weren’t blessed with a happy childhood and stable parenting (as one of my clients soulfully puts it ‘a childhood with unicorns who fart glitter’), when you self-sabotage because you don’t actually “believe” you deserve any better, when you’ve inherited your parents limiting beliefs, when you grew up feeling you weren’t enough, the question is HOW? How do you learn to love yourself??? How can you suddenly get a sense of self worth?
This process takes a lot of dissecting, rebuilding, of opening up old wounds and scrubbing the pus out of them. And I mean PUS! No it’s not a pretty picture; it’s a picture filled with the rawness of pain, the heartache of sadness, the stench of betrayal and the turmoil of living in fear and anger from childhood into adulthood. I get it – this takes time, commitment and dedication. This takes real guts, honesty and brutal vulnerability. And for those of us who have fought to stand on this amazing precipice of self-love and self-worth, we know all too well the battles fought along the way; eating disorders, battles with worthlessness, addiction, self-loathing, guilt, rejection, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, body image disorders, disowned, unloved, abandoned, alone…. these are the shared tales of so many women who now stand so tall, no shadow could be ever be cast upon them anymore.
But these are not the stories of the wounded, or of those to be pitied, or of the victims. These are the stories of heroines and heroes, the women with the hearts of warriors and the deeply grounded courage to stand up from within the pit of their despair and declare with every inch of their soul “This is not how my story will end!”, “Hell no! Not on my watch”, “This ends here! Today!”.
These are the stories of those women who inspire me, who shine brighter than most, who show compassion to themselves and to others, those brave enough to step forward and learn the most important lesson that no one else could teach them; that they are enough, they are full of self worth just as they are today.
And to those beautiful women, I say thank you.
If you’re ready to start your own journey in a safe and supportive environment, connect with me here to organise a free non-obligatory chat.
Otherwise feel free to download my “Beautiful You” workbook for some inspiration.
Stay beautiful xx
Here’s a beautiful truth: some people are only meant to come into our lives for a season.
Joy, passion, adventure, happiness, growth… we’ve all had someone come into our lives momentarily bringing us what we need in that point in time. It can be for a week, it can be for a month, it can be for a year. But when those people break away – either by force or by a slow drift – it can seem unnecessary and down right painful.
Letting go can be painful but necessary to allow life to bloom again.
As human beings were programmed to connect and for many of us letting go is tough, even heart breaking. For some, it’s a job or a boss they know they need to leave, a friendship that just doesn’t seem right anymore, a death, a relationship that’s cracking or a toxic family dynamic.
I’m here to tell you to let go. And more importantly, it’s okay to let go.
It’s scary, right? You’re literally allowing a connection you once cherished to disappear; you’re walking away from something you knew and walking towards something you don’t. It can fill us with fear and dread and we constantly look back and lament over the past, begging to have back what once was.
But maybe there’s beauty to be found in this moment. Maybe there’s something beautiful in saying “goodbye”. Maybe it’s the courage it takes to let go. Maybe it’s the beautiful truth that an ending is also a beginning. If you say goodbye to something, you’re opening up a spot to say “hello” to something else.
Look at nature. The trees know when to let go. They drop their dying leaves and decaying branches that no longer serve them in their autumns. In winter they give themselves space and time to heal and gather their resources, only to burst forward into spring with sudden growth and lust for life, then dazzle us with their flowers and perfume as they celebrate their beauty throughout their summers. They’re taller, stronger, and healthier and have more branches for more beautiful birds to sing their songs.
As humans we are no different. We too go through our own seasons of autumn, winter spring and summer. It would seem in letting go we learnt to be flexible and patient as life moves forward, pruning old ways and opening new doors.
We learn to trust in life, in ourselves, that we will bloom again.
By letting go we are allowing a beautiful and vulnerable space to become available for someone whose connection will light up our lives. We are allowing room to create new and even more amazing adventures than we ever dreamed possible.
Letting go can also mean we forgive our own past decisions or behaviours too. We let go of old habits that no longer serve us or long term thoughts that once upon a time held us imprisoned and stuck.
Letting go is a fresh start. A second chance to do it better. An opportunity to learn and grow and bloom once again.
And what could be more beautiful than that?
For further support in times of transition join The Beautiful World of Women, a Facebook group of #soulsisters dedicated to supporting and celebrating each other throughout all life blessings and challenges.
Stay beautiful xx
Here’s to bringing back the Sisterhood
What happened to the sisterhood?
I went to a small cocktail party on the weekend that consisted of about 20 women. We laughed, shared stories, gave one woman some incredible support as she admitted to some tough times we was experiencing and cheered on another friend who just got engaged, and another who just started a new job opportunity. When I left this party 5 hours and 6 martinis later, I felt such a massive surge of love and respect for these women, of which the majority of them I had only met that night. Which left me thinking….. What happened to the sisterhood?
There’s been numerous times through my working life, parenting life and now divorced single life I’ve come across numerous women who are criticise others for lifestyles choices and parenting styles, act cliquey, gossip about another’s downfall, judge another women on her appearance, weight, clothing or hairstyle and generally are more interested in tearing other women down instead of building each other up.
There’s a big difference between a woman who is confident in her own authenticity and self-worth, and a woman who is too willing to step on their fellow sister.
How can each of us start bringing back the Sisterhood?
So here’s how to become an empowering woman, and not just a gossipy girl. Here’s bringing back the Sisterhood!
- Celebrate other women.
When a girl friend is down give her a shoulder to cry on; give her a good pair of ears; pour her a glass of wine. When a girl friend is flying high, celebrate her successes. Let her inspire you and bewilder you. Find the beauty in other women, knowing that if they can achieve something, so can you.
- Listen instead of judge.
When a girlfriend makes a mistake – it’s not your job to judge her. As a friend, it is your job to listen to her. If she knows she’s made a mistake, she deserves to be heard and not judged. And if she has the courage to apologise have the courage to forgive. After all, we are all human, and we all make mistakes.
- Be wary of the media glorifying drama.
Drama may be fun to watch, but it in no way is fun to live. Drama is exhausting. If you love watching those reality TV shows where women point and mock other women, be wary of those actions. And remember that you are better than that. Squashing someone to make yourself feel better is a serious sign you’re suffering from low self-esteem.
- If you run with dogs…
There’s a saying that goes, “if you run with dogs, you will get fleas.” This saying basically means if you associate with negative people, you will acquire their faults. Surround yourself with positive genuine women who will light you up, and in turn you will then light them up too. You’re only as good as who you surround yourself with and you’ll find yourself in the midst of an awe-inspiring sisterhood.
- It’s time to get realistic about role models.
What celebrities you look up to says a lot about morals and values. The Kim Kardashian’s and Miley Cyrus’s of the world are talented and beautiful and business savvy. But women like Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Watson and Angelina Jolie give more than just beauty and brains. They teach the world about empowerment, authenticity, empathy and social justice. Look up to those who speak out in the world for the better of society, who speak out for other women and not just for the betterment of themselves.
Soul Sisters, as authentic women, accept that they are not perfect; they have a sense of humour, they exude confidence from within, they allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to ask for help, they have compassion to help and support other women and most importantly they can celebrate other women without worrying that it will take away from their own magnificence. These women know how to create a sisterhood, a sisterhood of unconditional love, celebration and sustenance. After all, “Behind every successful woman is a tribe of women who have her back.”
If you feel you’d love to be part of the Sisterhood you can join “The Beautiful World of Women“. This is a Facebook group of women devoted to supporting each other and sharing their stories, wisdom and knowledge. Each day has a theme, to encourage you to share the love throughout the week.
For more inspiration sign up to “Notes from A Beautiful Truth“, a monthly dose of love, beauty and inspiration.
Stay beautiful xx
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